Big emotions can overwhelm younger children and end in a tantrum or meltdown. Their brains are developing and they are still busy with learning the skills of self-regulation, control over one’s thoughts, emotions, behaviours and impulses.
It is helpful to understand self-regulation in children in relation to how the brain works and develops. Think of the brain as made up of two different but equally important parts: the downstairs brain and the upstairs brain.
The upstairs brain takes time to develop fully, growing all the way into young adulthood. Self-regulation similarly develops most in the toddler and preschool years, right into adulthood. Research shows that when children learn and practice self-regulation skills, they are forming pathways in their brains that increase their ability to manage stress in the future.
Ideas for helping children to learn self-regulation skills
- Stay calm yourself. When we are calm, we can better respond with new insight, compassion, and patience towards children.
- Keep the end goal in mind which is for children to learn the skills of self-regulation. They can only learn this when they are calm. When children are reacting in the moment, they are in survival mode. Their downstairs brains are in full swing. They cannot respond to logic or reason. Instead, help them feel safe and use calming strategies.
- Develop realistic expectations. Assess children’s skills to determine where they need support. Demand from children as much as they are able to handle, keeping in mind that success leads to more success. Expect setbacks to learning and growth. Reduce unnecessary demands.
- Provide structure and consistency. Let children know what to expect and what is expected of them.
- Teach children about their brains. Help them understand the role of the downstairs brain in their stress response, as well as the upstairs brain in their regulation. Also teach children about emotions.
- Use out-of-control behaviour as a starting point to understand where children need support. Punisment does not teach children the skills they need to regulate.
- Help children practice their skills. Start by practicing in moments of calm. Once mastered, children will be more able to apply these skills during increasingly challenging situations. Play self-regulation games like the freeze game.
- Put together a toolbox that children can use by themselves for calming and coping when they do get overwhelmed:
